I arrived that day at a place no longer mine... it never was, Dad. I ran to see you… I ran to believe, but you were not there, you were no longer there. I went outside where the sun shone intensely… the same intensity as I remember. The same intensity that saw me growing up at your hands, the same intensity that would let our skin ablaze when, together, we used to go fishing. – “Not like that, son!” – you used to say, knowingly. And, lovingly, with all the love in the world, you would wrap the line through the hook and I would observe. I would observe, thirsty for the knowledge of your deeply lived life, for you always knew more than I. You would then smile, proudly…
People were gathering disorderly, not knowing where to go. Someone talked to me. A cousin of yours I did not recognise. I was out of it. I was half there, blinded by the light, she said something I did not understand. I nodded affirmatively… yes, Dad. I remembered you. I remembered when you used to introduce me to people that, slowly, through my life, I accepted as family. This is your cousin, you would say smiling. I would look up surprised, everything looked big and strange but you were there so I was not afraid. You would pick me up in your strong arms smiling proudly…
I arrived home, our home. Too many cars piling the street. The door was open… waiting for someone who would not pass through… waiting for you. Everything looked strange, very different from what it used to be. I got out of the car and people hugged me. People you introduced me to as your long term friends. They whispered in my ear… “your mother needs you...” Why would she need someone who did not exist at that moment? And I remembered you, Dad… I remembered when during your wretched illness you could no longer help with your protecting instinct, which was innate to you to sustain my falls. “Help your mum because I can no longer do it.” – you would say… and I could see frustration in your eyes… I could see the man, you Dad, who used to make everything happen but who was at the receiving end of everything. You would smile, while crying inside…
I walked towards mum and hugged her. She was wearing black as the darkness surrounding us… people were wandering inside the house. Sitting down, standing, hands behind their backs, long faces, silence. That type of silence that hurts. The damn silence of the deaf. The same silence that torments and calms ones life. Damn silence! I greeted some people, hugged others… and I remembered you, Dad. I remembered when we were together, in silence, we would look at each other and words were not needed. “That’s my son, my loving son!” – you would think. Many times you voiced it, breaking the silence that tormented me and I would be at peace. And your eyes would sparkle Dad…
Suddenly, I had to get out. I crossed the door that waited for you and went out to breathe. I inhaled the scent of the nearby trees and looked out onto the street. I saw you sitting at a bench while I fixed the car. You were sitting down because you could no longer stand. But you were sitting strong as always. The hot sun was burning our skin as it used to during our weekends together. The sun would bring energy to your eyes, it would heat your tired body because of that deplorable illness, but your gaze never gave up. “That will fall off…” – you would say worried. “No it won’t, don’t worry.” – I would reply. Because You are all that I am, and I am like you. Later I would help you get up, you would hug me and we would walk up the street towards the door. And tired, your legs giving up, you would still smile inside Dad…
Through the smoke of my cigarette I saw your presence Dad, dissipating with the breeze blowing around me. I felt your pain every time I left to the place where I live, a place which is not my place neither Dad, never was, and I remembered your happiness every time I arrived for the weekend, any weekend, you would shed tears of happiness and I would hear: “My son… My loving son!” I would close my eyes and would hold on to my sorrow and the stubborn tear that always attempted to escape. But you Dad, you would smile inside…
The crowd increased and everyone was talking. I shouted muted cries – Why? Why did this life rob you of so much? Why did this life, you so much loved and lived, robbed you of itself? Why did you survive so many life threatening moments and you fought and survived and, finally, this ungrateful and miserable illness attacked you from inside like a traitor… where you could not defend yourself, because you could not well attack yourself. Since your soul was so beautiful Dad, that flawed illness out of jealousy wanted to destroy it. This shows even more your greatness as a man, as a Dad. Greatness that only by treason could be destroyed and even so you did not give up, you did not fear it. You would always tell me to be strong but my strength came from you. Now, I understand that strength cannot be created, it’s inherited. That strength you wish I had, only now, that you gone, you managed to pass it onto me.
But Dad, I am afraid... I remembered Dad. I remembered when I told you my problems and fears. You smiled, a victorious smile, because all those problems and fears were too simple for someone who already survived them all. “Is that your problem?” – you would ask. “Be strong! Be a Man! Look for the answer inside you, in all that I taught you.” – that was your answer. You never dominated my life. – “It’s your life, – you would say – if you fall I will help you get up, time and time again, as many times as needed.”
Dusk became night waiting to fall. I had already fallen dozens of times but you always picked me up. The hours ticked away and the dark shades of people were still lingering inside the house, the home you created. And I remembered, Dad… I remembered the hours you fought against the sea, for your life, for love, for everything. The hours you fought for me. I was not born yet but you were already fighting for me because, had you lost, I would have not been born otherwise. You gave me life time after time. You succeeded, because I am still here. You would say that to everyone, to the whole world. And your eyes would show a sparkle, Dad…
We began to leave to be closer to you. The dark shades were dissipating disorderly as when they arrived. The same shades who accompanied you in your moments of happiness, which later were so precious to you. And I remember, Dad… I remembered your shadow, your greatness when, with weak legs, no strength, you stood up to dance with the woman I wanted to, out of love, offer you as a daughter. And I remember how your huge smile blinded any sadness you may had. How you drank happiness from everything around you, even the smallest thing was immense and deep. After such heroic effort you showed me that our inner strength and love conquers all. Without knowing, you were giving me another life lesson. Maybe you knew… because you knew everything! You knew I would agree with you one day. “One day you will look back and say… the bastard was right!” – You told me that many times, but you could have well said it once. And you were damn right! You were always right, bastard! And Dad... my eyes have a sparkle now...
We are here. Do not be afraid of the dark. Now you are both the daylight and the starlight. You are the air we all breathe. You are the strength that supports and balances me. You are my pride, my hero. You are the sea where you taught me to swim and the ground where you taught me to run. You are the wind that blows in my face to remind me you live inside me and everywhere. You are all that I am, and I am like you!
I wrote a lot, I poured everything out... I cried black ink that no one read… so many words… when all I wanted to do was write in a white piece of paper: “To my father…”
And I remember now, Dad! I remember why I will never forget you…
I really want to thank Helena El Masri (helenaelmasri@yahoo.
People were gathering disorderly, not knowing where to go. Someone talked to me. A cousin of yours I did not recognise. I was out of it. I was half there, blinded by the light, she said something I did not understand. I nodded affirmatively… yes, Dad. I remembered you. I remembered when you used to introduce me to people that, slowly, through my life, I accepted as family. This is your cousin, you would say smiling. I would look up surprised, everything looked big and strange but you were there so I was not afraid. You would pick me up in your strong arms smiling proudly…
I arrived home, our home. Too many cars piling the street. The door was open… waiting for someone who would not pass through… waiting for you. Everything looked strange, very different from what it used to be. I got out of the car and people hugged me. People you introduced me to as your long term friends. They whispered in my ear… “your mother needs you...” Why would she need someone who did not exist at that moment? And I remembered you, Dad… I remembered when during your wretched illness you could no longer help with your protecting instinct, which was innate to you to sustain my falls. “Help your mum because I can no longer do it.” – you would say… and I could see frustration in your eyes… I could see the man, you Dad, who used to make everything happen but who was at the receiving end of everything. You would smile, while crying inside…
I walked towards mum and hugged her. She was wearing black as the darkness surrounding us… people were wandering inside the house. Sitting down, standing, hands behind their backs, long faces, silence. That type of silence that hurts. The damn silence of the deaf. The same silence that torments and calms ones life. Damn silence! I greeted some people, hugged others… and I remembered you, Dad. I remembered when we were together, in silence, we would look at each other and words were not needed. “That’s my son, my loving son!” – you would think. Many times you voiced it, breaking the silence that tormented me and I would be at peace. And your eyes would sparkle Dad…
Suddenly, I had to get out. I crossed the door that waited for you and went out to breathe. I inhaled the scent of the nearby trees and looked out onto the street. I saw you sitting at a bench while I fixed the car. You were sitting down because you could no longer stand. But you were sitting strong as always. The hot sun was burning our skin as it used to during our weekends together. The sun would bring energy to your eyes, it would heat your tired body because of that deplorable illness, but your gaze never gave up. “That will fall off…” – you would say worried. “No it won’t, don’t worry.” – I would reply. Because You are all that I am, and I am like you. Later I would help you get up, you would hug me and we would walk up the street towards the door. And tired, your legs giving up, you would still smile inside Dad…
Through the smoke of my cigarette I saw your presence Dad, dissipating with the breeze blowing around me. I felt your pain every time I left to the place where I live, a place which is not my place neither Dad, never was, and I remembered your happiness every time I arrived for the weekend, any weekend, you would shed tears of happiness and I would hear: “My son… My loving son!” I would close my eyes and would hold on to my sorrow and the stubborn tear that always attempted to escape. But you Dad, you would smile inside…
The crowd increased and everyone was talking. I shouted muted cries – Why? Why did this life rob you of so much? Why did this life, you so much loved and lived, robbed you of itself? Why did you survive so many life threatening moments and you fought and survived and, finally, this ungrateful and miserable illness attacked you from inside like a traitor… where you could not defend yourself, because you could not well attack yourself. Since your soul was so beautiful Dad, that flawed illness out of jealousy wanted to destroy it. This shows even more your greatness as a man, as a Dad. Greatness that only by treason could be destroyed and even so you did not give up, you did not fear it. You would always tell me to be strong but my strength came from you. Now, I understand that strength cannot be created, it’s inherited. That strength you wish I had, only now, that you gone, you managed to pass it onto me.
But Dad, I am afraid... I remembered Dad. I remembered when I told you my problems and fears. You smiled, a victorious smile, because all those problems and fears were too simple for someone who already survived them all. “Is that your problem?” – you would ask. “Be strong! Be a Man! Look for the answer inside you, in all that I taught you.” – that was your answer. You never dominated my life. – “It’s your life, – you would say – if you fall I will help you get up, time and time again, as many times as needed.”
Dusk became night waiting to fall. I had already fallen dozens of times but you always picked me up. The hours ticked away and the dark shades of people were still lingering inside the house, the home you created. And I remembered, Dad… I remembered the hours you fought against the sea, for your life, for love, for everything. The hours you fought for me. I was not born yet but you were already fighting for me because, had you lost, I would have not been born otherwise. You gave me life time after time. You succeeded, because I am still here. You would say that to everyone, to the whole world. And your eyes would show a sparkle, Dad…
We began to leave to be closer to you. The dark shades were dissipating disorderly as when they arrived. The same shades who accompanied you in your moments of happiness, which later were so precious to you. And I remember, Dad… I remembered your shadow, your greatness when, with weak legs, no strength, you stood up to dance with the woman I wanted to, out of love, offer you as a daughter. And I remember how your huge smile blinded any sadness you may had. How you drank happiness from everything around you, even the smallest thing was immense and deep. After such heroic effort you showed me that our inner strength and love conquers all. Without knowing, you were giving me another life lesson. Maybe you knew… because you knew everything! You knew I would agree with you one day. “One day you will look back and say… the bastard was right!” – You told me that many times, but you could have well said it once. And you were damn right! You were always right, bastard! And Dad... my eyes have a sparkle now...
We are here. Do not be afraid of the dark. Now you are both the daylight and the starlight. You are the air we all breathe. You are the strength that supports and balances me. You are my pride, my hero. You are the sea where you taught me to swim and the ground where you taught me to run. You are the wind that blows in my face to remind me you live inside me and everywhere. You are all that I am, and I am like you!
I wrote a lot, I poured everything out... I cried black ink that no one read… so many words… when all I wanted to do was write in a white piece of paper: “To my father…”
And I remember now, Dad! I remember why I will never forget you…
I really want to thank Helena El Masri (helenaelmasri@yahoo.
com)
for the english translation of my text. ;)
